Happy Birthday!

The only one who was waiting for her was her little son. "My God how much I love him" - she thought. His hug could take her to a better world. The only hug she received at home.

She had gone to her classes at noon and she accidentally told to just one woman that was her birthday. "Shh.. dont tell to anyone, please.." And the woman gave her a silent and warm hug.

Since early morning she started to receive wishes for her birthday from his net friends. She couldnt count all the wishes. It had a lot of them! She read each one with a big smile printed on her face (but she couldnt reply to everyone cause suddenly the server was too busy). It seemed a big virtual party!!! Like a big city full of lights and happy people...

She was happy .. in a silent way. And the feeling was so good. The day had been so colorful even being a silent one. The rain has stopped. It was not so cold anymore.

Small World

This is a small world after all....

Ghosts

A Brahms song hit her on her heart. Those ghosts were so real that the pain in her heart now was real too. She would quit them from inside.. the only way to find that joy again... completelly.

Violence!

Violence against me doesnt mean just beat me. Everytime you treat me as a whore, everytime you betray me a despite of my sincerity, everytime you leave our kids to live your adventures with another women, you hurt me. Stop to kill me a bit every single day.

Every minute feeling as if she was worse, for the first time in her life, she wants too much an anesthesia.

The Trouble with Love is....

*
Love can be a many splendored thing

Can't deny the joy it brings

A dozen roses,

diamond rings

Dreams for sale

and fairy tales

*

It'll make you hear a symphony

And you just want the world to see

But like a drug that makes you blind,

It'll fool ya every time

*

The trouble with love is

It can tear you up inside

Make your heart believe a lie

It's stronger than your pride

The trouble with love is

It doesn't care how fast you fall

And you can't refuse the call

See, you got no say at all

*

Now I was once a fool, it's true

I played the game by all the rules

But now my world's a deeper blue

I'm sadder, but I'm wiser too

I swore I'd never love again

I swore my heart would never mend

Said love wasn't worth the pain

But then I hear it call my name

*

The trouble with love is

It can tear you up inside

Make your heart believe a lie

It's stronger than your pride

The trouble with love is

It doesn't care how fast you fall

And you can't refuse the call

See, you got no say at all

*

Every time I turn around

I think I've got it all figured out

My heart keeps callin' and I keep on fallin'

Over and over again

This sad story always ends the same

Me standin' in the pourin' rain

It seems no matter what I do

It tears my heart in two

*

(The trouble with love is) The trouble with love,

(It can tear you up inside) It can tear you up inside

(Make your heart believe a lie) Make your heart believe a lie

It's stronger than your pride(The trouble with love is)

It's in your heartIt's in your soul (doesn't care how fast you fall)

You won't get no control(and you can't refuse the call)

See, you got no say at all(The trouble with love is)

Oh, yeah(It can tear you up inside)

(Make your heart believe a lie).

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I'm The One

I'm the one that hurts you

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I'm the one who cares

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I'm the one looking down at you

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I'm the one who's there

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What do you think I've become?

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What do you think I've been gone?

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I'm the one looking down on you

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Where do you go when no one's there

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When no one's there

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When no one's there

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When no one's there

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Get this widget Track details eSnips Social DNA

Desde aquele domingo ela ainda ouvia nitidamente as risadas dele dizendo ao telefone que estava com a namorada. Ela nunca pensara em um fundo musical para sua última cerimônia (queria ser cremada), mas com certeza aquele não seria o som que ela gostaria de ouvir nos seus últimos dias.

Ela havia chorado e parado, como uma reação catatônica ao fato de finalmente ver a verdade. Ele fez de tudo para que ela acreditasse nele, mas na realidade ele estava apenas se divertindo. Coisa antiga, não? Mas muito comum.

Quando ela ligara, alguém atendera ao telefone sem dizer nada e então ela pode ouvir as vozes, mulheres e a voz dele, os risos dele. Óbvio que alguém fizera aquilo para que ela ouvisse. "RI-DÍ-CU-LO! Quanta criatividade! Só podia ser coisa de mulher mesmo. "

Ela ligou novamente. Atitudes como essa jamais a intimidaram mesmo... Ela queria ouvir a verdade .. e ouviu! Da maneira mais ridícula deste mundo.. mas ouviu! Finalmente! "Pensei que você fosse especial, mas não... você é igual à qualquer outro... fácil de encontrar. Mas não se preocupe: você é nor-mal! :)))" disse ela parecendo feliz ao telefone.

E o que parecia ser o futuro homem de sua vida se transformou em um sapo que jamais se tornaria um príncipe: nem fudendo! "Ah.. ele era apenas um jogador.." Ela jamais gostara de pessoas óbvias, mas jogadores, depois do primeiro lance - como a maioria das pessoas, sempre o são.

De qualquer forma, essa foi sua última chance. O tempo se esgotara. Agora precisava se preparar para a retirada dos tumores - via retal ^^ ("Parece piada da vida...." )

*---*

From that Sunday she still was hearing clearly his laughs on the phone saying that he was with his girlfriend. She never thought about a music as a background for her last ceremony (She wanted to be cremated), but certainly "that" would not be the sound that she would like to hear in his final days.

She had stopped and mourned as a catatonic reaction to the fact that finally she sees the truth. He did everything to make her believed on him, but in reality it was only for his fun. Old thing, aint it? But very common.

When she called, someone hang up the phone without saying anything and then she could hear the voices, women and his voice and laughts. Obvious that someone did it to make her hear it. "RI-DI-CU-LOUS! What a stupid creativity! Only women could do something like this!"

She called again. Attitudes like this had never intimidating her anyway... She wanted to hear the truth .. and she did! In the most ridiculous way of this world!! But she did!! Finally!!!! "All I wanted all this time was the truth. Life is made with little boxes and yours was a mess. Now I can close it. I thought you were special, but ... you are not. You are the same as any other one.. easy to find anywhere.... But do not worry: you are nor-mal! :)))" She said it looking happy at the phone as she was kiddin.

And what seemed to be the future man of her life has turned into a frog that would never become a prince: neither fucking! Ugh! "Ah .. he was a player .." She never liked obvious people and players, after the first bid - like most of people, are always obvious.

Otherwise, this was her last chance. The time was over. Now she needed to be prepared for the withdrawal of tumors - via rectal ^ ^ ( "It seems a joke of life .... !")

*---*

Jo Guttu
April 22, 2008 at 2:19pm

hi love

I`m so happy to get this done, and I really hope that you now understand that I am serious and not a bullshitter.So happy to know you,and I am planning my summerwork and the next months coming.my plans for a pub were I live,I wont do anything more about....the husband of my sis Gry has taken full controll over the pub project, and it`s not interesting for me to work for him...I have worked for myself for more than 20 years, and I want to continue like that:)in the next few hours I will know what wekends I will hav to work, what gigs I have lined up and when I can take a trip over to you:)I sorted out in the bank today with a fixed withdrawel from my account for a thousand reals every 22 of the month:)get ur taxes paid, and maybe ur exhusband will help out with ur bills love:)It sem I will have prox 4000 reals into my account every month just for rent and to get furniture and so on .this is lined up for november allready:)it will be an extra nice income to have, and it wont be such a preassure to make a lot of money.....maybe...:)a couple of my arrangements in summer will probably pay for whatever is needed to start up whatever...You are a dream come true for me, and i really really hope u will like me when we meet....soon:)will mail u later on with the progress in workshedule and so on.Hav a nice day love and have a glass of wine for and with me as well:)big hug and kisses. Yours Jo

And she believed on him...

Pela manhã levantou-se com o amargo sabor da derrota e de nada adiantou todo o asseio naquela manhã: sua alma estava impregnada com aquelas gargalhadas... ele rira dela. "É tão estranho amar alguém que nos humlha." Ao menos pode perceber o quanto havia se enganado. O que parecia perfeito era na realidade uma farsa. Mas o mundo não é a maior delas?

Tudo um dia estará acabado, pois esta é a ordem natural das coisas, e o que sobrará de tanta filosofia, tanta soberba, tanta mediocridade, tantos valores (errados ou não)? NADA! ABSOLUTAMENTE NADA!

"Oh Meu Deus! E Você me mandou aqui prá isso?!" (se Deus existir...)

*

translation

*

In the morning she woke up with the bitter taste of defeat and nothing has changed throughout all the cleanliness in that morning: his soul was imbued with those laughs ... he laughed of her. "It's so strange when we love someone who depises us." At least we can understand how big had been our mistake. What seemed perfect was in fact a farce. But is the world not the biggest of them? Everything will be finished one day, it's the natural order of things, and what will rest of so much philosophy, so superb, so much mediocrity, so many values (erroneous or not)? NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

"Oh my God! And did You send me here for this?!" (if God exists...)

Walking down the street the effect of that delicious meal was fading. She looks around and God!... (if IT exists!) what the hell is this place? Even her favorite french perfume or the idea of buying some new shoes or clothes it was not sounding attractive today. "Well.. Im having serious problems..." A dormancy was not just in her body but in the way she was perceiving everything around her. The futility of things and the repetition of the events in the history and at the life of any person were something that turns life completely uninteresting.

She came back home, looked at herself in the mirror, made a grimace and went to the hairdressing to cut her hair.. just a bit.

Ela colocou cuidadosamente o pacote sobre a cadeira ao seu lado - havia entrado em uma cafeteria. Nas unhas um esmalte discreto dava-lhe um aspecto sofisticado - há muito tempo só ia à manicure para polir as unhas.
Duas turistas conversavam em mesas separadas: a negra - saudável- parecia estudar ouvindo Ipod e a outra de aspecto asiático navegava na internet em seu laptop sobre a mesa.
Outros vários turistas entraram ao mesmo tempo em que o pedido dela chega: cappuccino com cheesecake coberto com grosssa calda de amoras....hmmmmm - tentava, com isso, amenizar a dor do choro contido e a solidão de sua alma. E mais turistas entram atraídos pelo aspecto aconchegante do lugar e por ser aquela a melhor casa de cafés do bairro: poderia-se provar cafés do mundo inteiro!

E enquanto isso as papilas gustativas de nossa personagem central (agora com detecção perfeita - ela havia parado de fumar) continuavam a proporcionar o delírio de degustar algo realmente delicioso. "Hmm ... orgásmico" - pensou ela.

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translation

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She carefully placed the package on the chair beside her - she had entered into a cafeteria. In a nail enamel discreet gave her something sophisticated - for a long time she only would the manicure for polishing nails. Two tourists were talking in separate tables: the black - healthy- seemed to study listening Ipod and the other with aspect of Asian was surfing in net on your laptop on the table. Other more tourists came at the same time as her request is brought: cappuccino with cheesecake covered with blackberries cream .... hmmmmm - she was trying, with that, alleviate the pain of crying contained and the solitude of her soul.

And more tourists come attracted by the cozy aspect of the place and for being one of the best coffee house of the neighborhood: someone could prove cafes from many places around the world!

And while the taste buds of our central character (now with detection perfect - she had stopped smoking) continued to provide the delirium of taste something really delicious. "Hmm ... orgasmichal" - she thought.

and in her night flight there is only darkness... night without moon, silent, perfect for crimes being committed in the distraction of those who believe to be - this kind of night- a harbinger of tranquillity.

she flies alone. with the silence and the altitude it is easy to hear the wirring of her enormous wings ... but there is no place in this world where she wants to go ... humans are there and they are not an attraction to her eyes anymore. she just still likes to see the great metropolis illuminated at the distance, as in a film in which the mission is to exterminate the entire civilization.

useless things should not exist ...

Once again

in a Monday, January 17, 2005 i wrote this:

im burning..it hurts..at the end ill be just ashes..and ill need to reborn again...

but we need to be survivers..life is very short to care abt people that cannot accept each other how they are.. if u have a friend in case dont u accept him/her how he/she is? yes..u need to accept them..if u are really a friend.. friends dont look for u just when u are happy..they walk besides u even when u are falling down.. i hav friends..some of them were people that nobody care before..i gave them my care..my light..my friendship..and they could keep a better way to live.. if a person that u call friend doenst care abt u when u are in your bad days..he/she cant be called as friend anymore..itll be better let he/she go away.. many people ask me how can i have so different friends...simple..i love people..i love this life..ill be always besides a friend when he/she needs me.. think abt how your friends are with u..think abt how u are with your friends.. and remember..we are nothing to judge anyone..

http://madmaktub.blogspot.com/2005/01/burning.html

_______________________________________________

Its strange how we can say the same thing but wih different ending. Im not strong as I used to be. I was born many times but now I think that I have to define what is death, ashes, reborn for me. Life is totally different that I dreamt and I didnt have enough - a portuguese poet already said it in Passing Hours. Where am I going, I dont know. But if I dont like I know how to finish a possible nightmare. BTW.. I feel that Im not living my own life. There are many things too much wrong to be my life...things that I cannot change. For awhile, look at Fênix makes me feel good.

Happy Umbrella

Everything was so black and white and gray and I was desperate. Since yesterday I was completelly lost. And once more my ex-husband is coming to help me. I couldnt believe when his secretary said that he was in our country again. Exactly at the day I was more in despair. He is my guardian angel in this life. How can I explain knowing him for 22 years, after being married just for 5, he is still in my life and Im still - in some way - in his life. Thank you for let me be under your umbrella once more. Talk to you is like see the sun after a big storm. My heart is in peace now.

He couldnt talk to me all day long. He called me at night - as he said he would. My daughter hanged on the phone and he asked: "Do you know who is talking?" and she said: "Do you want to talk with my mom?" She recognized his voice and she saw him a long time ago.

He will travel again but will leave some things arranged to me. Even after all this time he still knows what moves me. It is not the first time he helps me. I look around and I dont see anyone, just my kids, the only treasure I have in my life.

My ex-husband it is not just a man, he is part of me and my life. And the most important: he showed a bit of his trust on me. Hear his laugh and his advices is a relief to my heart after all these years. How come he is the only one who knows me completelly in this whole world?

Thanks God, I asked and You gave me the answer again.

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Early Morning in Leblon & Ipanema