Where are you now? Once you told me that you would never leave me. Or maybe it was just my thoughts. Im knocking at your door but you dont respond. Save me please. Open the gate again for me. I can see the lights but I cant feel them. Im stuck at your door.

Let me get in.

Somewhere....

Walking alone in a small and desert city and buying some beers. Everything around was in silence. I could hear the noise of my steps. If it was in my own city I wouldnt be on the street - mainly alone. I dont like to drink alone but I need to relax today.

Inside a feeling of beeing out of reality. Everybody is gone. Just two of us are here at the same hotel. Tomorrow will be only me.

I miss my family, my kids. But I cant come back. Not now. After all those changes that are still on I dont know what I am. They wouldnt be proud of me now.

When we are weak nobody loves you, nobody wants you, nobody needs you. When you are weak you are easier to let others use you. I've learned with time that just the ones who are with you in those difficult times will be the ones who will be with you forever (a despite of knowing that nothing is forever anyway). Till now I didnt find anyone like that. Not in my real life... well.. maybe my ex-husband. He does what he can. I guess he has his own life now..a family.. I dont know. He never talk abt this with me.

But what I am talking about is a real friend. That one who feels what you are feeling without you say any word. Anyways, I use to isolate myself when Im not fine.

Is common when we feel like that we start thinking abt past and all those possibilities that never happened.. or never will. Im just trying to keep me sane. But I cant avoid to think that I have some of old ghosts of my childhood now. They say that life is repetitive..thats it. The true is: Im feeling lost. I cant get even to look into others eyes. Im afraid that they find out that Im lost. What is this now? Is it not enough all these years? Since 2005 I cant control my life. Or maybe just now Im minding it.

Im starting to feel sleepy now. But Im not calm down. I need to go to somewhere.. I just dont know where exactly. Im alone. I dont see anything interesting in people anymore even feeling sometimes that they are humans like me. All my life just to check that life is only this.

...and without saying a word he left. For him it was nothing. For her.. well, it will be too.

Merry X-mas! :)

Ex.............

Most of people I know have problems with ex-bf/gf/husbands/wives.. well.. I'm lucky then. I've already married 4 times and my second ex-husband is the most special person I've never ever known. I dont remember when our relation started to break up but I remember that everytime I needed he was there even giving me advices that I would prefer didnt hear sometimes.

We used to work a lot.. day n night. When he was at home I was ready to get out and vice-versa. Once I thought that the love was gone... so I decided to go away. I couldnt live with someone without love. If I'd have waited a bit more all those doubts would fade away.

He is honest and his word is more than a zillion dollars.. in a world like that where will I find someone like him? I can't say anything now...at least not for him. Now he has an important travel agency and I am nothing. I remember when we started together..working hard. I was so happy even at the end of a hard day cause we had each other. He is the best partner someone can have... but is done. Nothing will change the past now.

Once in a while I find someone who I think is so good..in fact, a so rare thing to happen. But soon I notice that I am wrong. People use people..it will never change. The best I can do is just think about my work. Working hard again.. I know something good will happen.

Barbecue

beautiful n calm day... is there anything better than do what you really want? anyways.. you need to be ready to pay the price. nothing is gonna change the human nature.

My best friend

After losing everything just you is still by my side even so far. Keeping the dream that someday there wont be any differences between us is something that makes me feel alive. And when everything is going wrong I can close my eyes and dream again. We dont belong to this place and we know that. But someday we will be together forever.

sometimes u can't change anything.

~

She doesnt have much time now. Running against the time she doesnt have even time to think but all thoughts are passing through her mind with her whole life in a wink.. some flashes that she cant avoid... she is back to a certain part of life where most of times she was lost..she doesnt care.. a despite of feeling that she needs to find something......... like a music she flows.. everything is so useless... or so useful that she cant get the point...faling..flying..up and down.... losing her sense.. she needs just a reason to start again.

what the hell?!

Far From Home...- and from myself -

Reading what I wrote here today and looking to my blog..oh god..how much I miss me. I dont now who I am anymore. Body and soul are two different things. Maybe Im afraid to feel something and notice how much Im alone.

Help me God.

Far From Home.. - an offline message to Shashi -

Goodbye: i thought u have forgotten me.. i was just opening gmail and you dont send me messages from ages
GoodBye: im far from home with different people..really different among themselves
GoodBye: people that i would never talk in a normal situation
GoodBye: i like to talk but living together is completelly different
GoodBye: how much i miss u and our talks
GoodBye: when i could hear the monkeys and dream that i was just a kid
GoodBye: i will never grow up..i will ever hide this kid inside of me
GoodBye: but all this is a learning
GoodBye: a dificult learning to a proud person as me
GoodBye: im learning that i like to be right all the time, that im too proud
GoodBye: and that i needed to see that a long time ago..i didnt notice how bad i am and how much i need to learn
GoodBye: im so tired of myself
GoodBye: i will never forget you