Last Night in Ipanema

Last night (20may) I was coming back from the dentist (again!). The last thing that he has done didnt work and suprise! .. he said that he would give me an anesthetic to make some things to prepair to another work! Coming back home I was feeling weird... like I was not breathing well. So, I saw some red sky when I looked to the beach and I decide to walk a bit there...it was a pleasant night :)

First I was looking to those stones named Two Brothers (Dois Irmãos). And just when I was walking by the beach I looked back and... the moon was almost orange! I dont like feel cold for so long and these days are a bit cold for me here. But last night the scene was like a summer night.

There are some schools of sport at the beach like footbal and beachvolley too. It is easy to play cause there is a lot of light. People running, taking a walk with their pets, biking, or simply looking around.

Some men were cleaning the beach being watched by the moon... silent, distant and misterious and yet beautiful. Colors give me a good feeling and seing that moon it was a good surprise.

So I had to go back home.. I was feeling better, breathing normaly and feeling calm. But the left side of my face were still so numb!

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...

...

...

...

...

Wow! Im a mess of feelings latelly. Even feeling down I feel I still have an insistent and little hope inside of me! I resist cause this hope doesnt match with my disbelief in humans or in something in this life. Have a hope is like say something and do another thing. I never ask to myself a lot of consistency but I dont know why now I need to feel too much sense in anything. Im losing energy with this small things, turning a drop of water into a big storm. I dont know how to fix it and sometimes I ask to myself if it is worth to change... maybe all I need to do is just accept. But this word "accept" makes me feel strange.

Slowly, but realy slowly indeed my life is changing. Just a bit. I still dont have control of anything, I feel tired, I cry too much, Im too emotional, I still have images of my own death and maybe the gym will help. I started it last week. First they took some pics and next month they will do the same to compare. I like to work in those gym equipments. Feel each muscle being worked and dont think about nothing. The trainers are cool and attentive. I dont need much attention cause I used to do gymnastics for so long some years back and play beachvolley (well.. now Im sure I would be a desaster but I was not that bad before). I see the care that they have with my daughter: it is her first time and she is just 12.

Im a bit sleepy now. I woke up too early and I didnt stop doing things till now. I took a coffee in a café today just trying to wake me up. I like so much that coffee-and-cake smell and the decoration as well.

I lost the way. At the beginning this blog was to gather my ideas to write a book. But a writer need to have a over view of everything and suddenly I was inside of everything. It was nice cause I wrote a lot of things about me without to tell what was happening. Now I just write about music or news. Mainly cause some of them was so shoking that I had to write about.

For example, about the earthquake in Pakistan. I was talking with someone in msn when he said. "I had to get out. The earth is starting shaking and everybody is getting out." I guess I was one of the first person in the world to know about the earthquake there. And my friend Hamad lost everything. His family had to keep moving till find a place to live.

Later I started with another blog cause I couldnt write here. Some bugs of beta version I guess. So I created Madmaktub II. But there I didnt feel like writing about me. So I wrote about news or any other thing that could sound interesting for me... till the airplane accident in Brazil and the little boy hanged outside the car. I stopped to write for sometime.

Now this about Isabela Nardoni, the little girl of just 5 years old. Her father and her stepmother are in jail now cause the Justice understood that since the time that her father turned off the car (it was registered in GPS) till the first call to the police to ask for help it has passed just 13 minutes. They think that it is not time enough to someone get into a house (locked), do all that with the child and get out locking the door again. And no other digitals were found inside the apartment or any other hint that could show that someone else was there at that day.

The newspaper is full of violence against inocent people. Like that man in Austria, and even in any part of the world. Silent inocent people who are too much young to complain.

And we live our lives and the other lives too when we read the news. Some people dont mind at all. They just think "thanks God is it not with me!". And while this everything is dieing. Since the most simple thing till the most important ones. There is not respect for anything or each other: for the other's lives or other's feelings. This life is just an illusion and if I had notice that before I would never have had kids.

Im bitter. I have a stick in my heart, I dont see any sense in this life and I dont believe in humans. Im tired to play this game.

Ayrton Senna - Magic Senna - 14 years

This Thursday, 1st day of May, the fatal accident of Ayrton Senna completes 14 years. The triple champion of the world of Formula 1 in 1988, 1989 and 1990, which was released in pole position for the San Marino GP, Imola, has lost direction of the bar of his car and went straight over 300km /h in the Tamburello curve . He fought with his Williams in the wall of protection. His death was confirmed hours later, at the Hospital Maggiore in Bologna (Italy).

Ayrton Senna started his career in kart, with 13 years old, and won the South American title in 1977, as well as vice world championship. In 1981, Senna made his debut in Formula Ford and won the title in the category once in his first season. In 1982, he went to Formula 2000 and ended the year as English and European champion, in addition to the record of 21 wins, 15 pole positions and 21 fastest laps. Prior to joining Formula 1, Senna passed by the British Formula 3 and won another title. In the main category of car, the tricampeão won 41 wins and 65 pole positions, and is considered one of the greatest pilots of the F-1 history.

In addition to the powers in the tracks, Senna was also known for generosity outside. He started work philanthropic giving rise to the Ayrton Senna Institute, which now serves about 400 thousand children and young people throughout Brazil. Viviane, his sister, plays the project since its creation. After Senna's death it was discovered that he had donated millions of dollars of his personal fortune (estimated at $400 million at the time of his death) to children's charities, a fact that during his life he had kept secret. His foundation in Brazil, Instituto Ayrton Senna, has invested nearly US$ 80 million over the last twelve years in social programs and actions in partnership with schools, government, NGOs, and the private sector aimed at offering children and teenagers from low-income backgrounds the skills and opportunities they need to develop to their full potential as persons, citizens and future professionals.

His importance to the Formula 1 is summarized in a statement from Bernie Ecclestone, big boss of the category. According to him, Senna was the greatest driver of all time, status of which neither Michael Schumacher is approaching. "Ayrton had a charisma that Schumacher was not able to transmit" said Bernie Ecclestone, Formula 1's big boss.

Check out some numbers on the winning career of Ayrton Senna:
Titles in Formula 1: 3 in 1988, 1990, 1991 (all with McLaren-Honda)
Wins: 41
Pole positions: 65
Points: 614
GPs disputed: 161
GPs finalized: 105
Premiuns: 80
Laps in leadership: 2,987
Miles in leadership: 13,676
Total laps travelled: 8,219
Total kilometers travelled: 37,934
Poles in the first row: 87
With wins pole position: 29
Wins for end to end: 19
Laps faster: 19
Maximum poles achieved in a single season: 13 (in 1988 and 1989)
Pole positions in succession: 8, in the following GPs: Spain, Australia, Brazil, San Marino, Monaco, Mexico and USA (1988) and Brazil (1989)

Notable quotations:
"Winning is like a drug, I cannot justify in any circumstances coming second or third.
"Being second is to be the first of the ones who lose."
"On a given day, a given circumstance, you think you have a limit. And you then go for this limit and you touch this limit, and you think, 'Okay, this is the limit'. And so you touch this limit, something happens and you suddenly can go a little bit further. With your mind power, your determination, your instinct, and the experience as well, you can fly very high."
"One particular thing that Formula-1 can provide you, is that you know you're always exposed to danger. Danger of getting hurt, danger of dying. This is part of your life, and you either face it in a professional, in a cool manner, or you just drop it, just leave it and don't do it anymore really. And I happen to like too much what I do to just drop it, I can't drop it."
"Racing, competing, it's in my blood. It's part of me, it's part of my life; I have been doing it all my life and it stands out before everything else."
"There are no small accidents on this circuit." - talking about the Imola circuit before the fatal 1994 race.
"It's going to be a season with lots of accidents, and I'll risk saying that we'll be lucky if something really serious doesn't happen." - pre-season 1994.
"I continuously go further and further learning about my own limitations, my body limitation, psychological limitations. It's a way of life for me."
"Of course there are moments that you wonder how long you should be doing it because there are other aspects which are not nice, of this lifestyle. But I just love winning."
"If you have a target in your life, a real target, doesn't matter if you are very poor or rich people, if you work hard and believe in God, you can get the success, success in the life."
"I know that it is impossible to win always. I just hope that defeat doesn't come this weekend."
"I don't know driving in another way which isn't risky. Each one has to improve himself. Each driver has its limit. My limit is a little bit further than other's."
"If I ever happen to have an accident that eventually costs me my life, I hope it is in one go. I would not like to be in a wheelchair. I would not like to be in a hospital suffering from whatever injury it was. If I'm going to live, I want to live fully. Very intensely, because I am an intense person. It would ruin my life if I had to live partially." (January 1994, 4 months before to his death).

Professor Sidney Watkins, a world-renowned neurosurgeon and Formula One Safety Delegate and Medical Delegate, head of the Formula One on-track medical team, who performed an on-site tracheotomy on Ayrton Senna, reported:“He looked serene. I raised his eyelids and it was clear fromhis pupils that he had a massive brain injury. We lifted him from the cockpit and laid him on the ground. As we did, he sighed and, although I am totally agnostic, I felt his soul depart at that moment."

The FW16's new rear end was introduced at Imola. It was ironic that at the beginning of 1994 Senna himself told the press that he would be surprised if there would be no large accidents that year. He referred to the fact that after the wide "white label" 26 inch Goodyear slicks were banned for 1993 (replaced by "yellow label"), now the technology at the very core of the cars, the science around which they had been based for the last few years (active suspension, traction control and ABS) was also banned for 1994. He surmised that the cars would have trouble staying on the road, which is exactly what was observed at the beginning of 1994. J. J. Lehto damaged his vertebrae at Silverstone in January and Jean Alesi broke his neck in pre-season testing, prior to Ratzenberger's and Senna's fatal accidents at Imola. During qualifying for the next race at Monaco, Karl Wendlinger suffered an accident which left him comatose for months; Ratzenberger's replacement, Andrea Montermini, broke his feet in the Simtek in Barcelona, and Pedro Lamy broke both knee-caps in testing at Silverstone in May.

There are other factors – Senna did not like the position of the steering column relative to his seating position and had repeatedly asked for it to be changed. At Imola Senna found himself in a car with his team's engineers struggling to cope and adapt to the ban of active suspension. Patrick Head and Adrian Newey agreed to Senna's request to lengthen the FW16's steering column, but there was no time to manufacture a longer steering shaft. The existing shaft was instead cut, extended by inserting a smaller diameter piece of tubing and welded together with reinforcing plates. Many surmise, based on comparing hours of onboard video footage from Brazil and Imola that the movement of the steering wheel during the race at Imola was completely abnormal. Senna on his final lap is seen turning the wheel left to full lock with no movement of the front wheels. Others have raised suspicion at what can clearly be seen on the onboard footage as Senna looking down onto his steering wheel seconds before entering Tamburello. The irony of the on board video available from Senna's car is that the final seconds of footage are missing. The approximately 1.5 seconds of remaining video which would have provided a definite answer as to the cause of Senna's death were lost in an act of astounding coincidence when the TV race director decided to switch camera signals at the very instant the Williams started to leave the track.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, numerous rumours abound that the remaining 1.5 seconds are not lost and reportedly show Senna's steering wheel clearly coming off in his hands as his car is leaving the track. In addition to this, the video shown in the Court Room on May 14, 1997 stopped 0.9 seconds before the impact [2], causing numerous questions. Although allegations exist that this video has been seen by a number of people at the top level of motorsport, there is no evidence to support its existence.
The Williams team was entangled for many years in a court case with the Italian prosecutors over manslaughter charges, but they were found not guilty and no action was taken against Williams. In 2004, the case was re-opened, but closed again in 2005 when there was no new evidence.At the conclusion of the Italian trial, Senna's FW16, chassis number 02, was returned to the Williams team. The team reported that the car was destroyed.His death was considered by many of his Brazilian fans to be a national tragedy, and the Brazilian government declared three days of national mourning. More than 1 million persons followed Senna's burial in São Paulo. Senna is buried at the Cemitério do Morumbi in his hometown of São Paulo.

I have no idols, I have no passions I have no heroes.
The only one were Ayrton Senna da Silva,
The Magic Senna.
From that 1st May
I have never watched F1 again.
And I never will.
*
RIP

*
Name: Ayrton Senna da Silva
Nationality: Brazilian
Date of birth: March 21, 1960 - Sao Paulo, Brazil
Date of death: May 1, 1994 - Imola, Italy
*
Monumental genius, frightening commitment,

and a willingness to go right to the very edge

forged Ayrton Senna da Silva into one of the greatest drivers,

and his record for 65 pole positions was still unchallenged

more than six years after his death

in the San Marino Grand Prix at Imola on May 1 1994.

texts: wikipedia and globo online

Noturno

O aço dos meus olhos

E o fel das minhas palavras

Acalmaram meu silêncio

Mas deixaram suas marcas...

Se hoje sou deserto

É que eu não sabia

Que as flores com o tempo

Perdem a força

E a ventania

Vem mais forte...

Hoje só acredito

No pulsar das minhas veias

E aquela luz que havia

Em cada ponto de partida

Há muito me deixou

Há muito me deixou...

Ai, Coração alado

Desfolharei meus olhos

Nesse escuro véu

Não acredito mais

No fogo ingênuo, da paixão

São tantas ilusões

Perdidas na lembrança...

Nessa estrada

Só quem pode me seguir

Sou eu.

Sou eu.

Sou eu.
.

.

.

The steel of my eyes

And the gall of my words

Calmed down my silence

But left their marks ...

If today I am desert

It is because I didn't know

That the flowers with time

Lost strength

And the torment

Comes stronger ...

Today I only believe

In the pulse of my veins

And that light that there was

At each point of departure

There is much left me

There is much left me ...

Oh, winged heart

I will deflower my eyes

In this dark veil

I do not believe anymore

In the ingenuous fire of the passion

They are so many illusions

Lost in the memory ...

On that road

Only who can follow me

That's me.

That's me.

That's me.

Chão de Giz

Eu desço dessa solidão, espalho coisas sobre um chão de giz

Há meros devaneios tolos a me torturar

Fotografias recortadas em jornais de folhas amiúde

Eu vou te jogar num pano de guardar confetes

Eu vou te jogar num pano de guardar confetes

Disparo balas de canhão, é inútil pois existe um grão-vizir

Há tantas violetas velhas sem um colibri

Queria usar quem sabe, uma camisa de força ou de vênus

Mas não vão gozar de nós apenas um cigarro

Nem vou lhe beijar gastando assim o meu batom

Agora pego um caminhão, na lona vou a nocaute outra vez

Pra sempre fui acorrentado no seu calcanhar

Meus vinte anos de "boy", "that's over, baby" , Freud explica

Não vou me sujar fumando apenas um cigarro

Nem vou lhe beijar gastando assim o meu batom

Quanto ao pano dos confetes já passou meu carnaval

E isso explica porque o sexo é assunto popular

No mais estou indo embora ...

No mais estou indo embora ...

No mais...

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my translation:

I get down from that loneliness and spread things on a floor of chalk

There are mere fool daydreams to torture me

Photos cut in leaves newspapers often

I will keep you in a cloth to keep confetti

I will keep you in a cloth to keep confetti

.

I shot cannon bullets, it is useless because there is a grand-vizir

There are so many old violets without a hummingbird

I would like using - who knows -, a shirt of force or venus

But, they will not tease us only a cigarette

Neither I will kiss you spending so my lipstick.

.

Now I catch a truck and I'm knocked-down again

I was bound in your heel forever

My twenty years of "boy", "that's over, baby," ... does Freud explain

I will not dirty myself for smoking just one cigarette

Neither will I kiss you spending so my lipstick

So, about the cloth of confetti my carnival has passed

And that explains why sex is a popular subject

I'm leaving...

I'm leaving...

I'm...

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you”
(Friedrich Nietzsche - 1844-1900)

And all you most wanted appears

And it's what you most feared too

,

,

,

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Ghost of Horus

Since I lost my password in Youtube I lost also many favorites. One of them was Ghost of Horus. Weird and fantastic I took 2 days to find it again cause I didnt remember the name. And in these days Im at home so I try to keep me busy.. even with a dream.

"Immortal (Ad Vitam) is the epic movie by the most talented comic & graphic novel author Enki Bilal. The film is based on the first and second part of his "Nikopol trilogy" ("La Foire aux immortels" and "La Femme piège").

The film was directed by Bilal, he also wrote scenario and all dialogues.

As a music background I (badgreendragon - user in Youtube) used the song "Reincarnation" from "Ghost in the Shell", Egyptian Gods are: Horus, Anubis and Bastet. but the video was deleted.
Main human characters are: Jill Bioskop and Alcide Nikopol."

note: you can find the song also through the name - on Youtube -

"Resurrection III-Reincarnation"

"Resurrection I-Making of Cyborg"

"Resurrection II-Ghost City"

played with few differences.

The lyrics are in ancient japanese.

.

   

Reincarnation By Ghost In The Shell
(Ancient Japanese)

.

a Ga Maeba, Kuwashime Yoini Keri

a Ga Maeba, Teru Tsuki Toyomu Nari

yobai Ni Kami Amakudarite,

yoha Ake, Nuedori Naku.

tookamiemitame

tookamiemitame

tookamiemitame
.

.

.

(Translation)

.

when You Are Dancing, A Beautiful Lady Become drunken.

when You Are Dancing, A Shining Moon Rings.

a God Descends For A Wedding,

And Dawn Approaches while The Night Bird Sings.

god Bless You

god Bless You

god Bless You

...

would you forget whom you love?

Just an Illusion

..and when you think you have found an answer, it was not an answer..it was just an illusion...

Depression

Many things can trigger debilitating depression. Feelings of depression are caused by a chemical change that affects how the brain functions.
A normally functioning brain is a giant messaging system that controls everything from your heartbeat, to walking, to your emotions. The brain is made up of billions of nerve cells called neurons. These neurons send and receive messages from the rest of your body, using brain chemicals called neurotransmitters.

These brain chemicals—in varying amounts—are responsible for our emotional state. Depression happens when these chemical messages aren’t delivered correctly between brain cells, disrupting communication.

Think of a telephone: if your phone has a weak signal, you may not hear the person on the other end. Their communication is muted or unclear.

The good news is that there are many forms of treatment that can help you cope with depression, including medications that can strengthen weak signals by raising the levels of certain neurotransmitters, or by improving the neurons’ ability to process signals. This ensures that the brain’s vital messages are delivered—loud and clear.

If you notice that your son, daughter, your brother, sister, parents, a friend, are acting different, being isolated of all people, with sad eyes looking to nowhere, talk to them, show them your love and take them to a doctor.

You can save a life.

see an animation about how it works: http://www.depression.com/depression_animation.html?content=understanding&

note: article published by http://www.depression.com/

Gold Passion

It is not easy to look for what you dont even know what it is. Or maybe you do. Wanna change? It is like an old disease..for so long in your body that now you cant take it off. The only way to survive is changing. Why is this so diffcult to get at this time?


Like if you're walking down to your car one day

As your imagination wanders off

And you see yourself just standing there

While people are showing you all kinds of strange directions

And that's when it comes to you

"I'll walk my way thorugh suburbia"

Through the streets of ten thousand kelvins

Empty trash cans and five foot fences

Soul - Like I have one

Control - As if I had some

10:15 PM and I'm crossing the main road

In hope of finding the last person that makes sense to me

I realize that I've been had and walk faster as my frustration grows

Nothing will ever change around here

People pay good money to avoid any change in colour

Everything is black and white

To hell with these shades of gray

Soul - like I had one

Control - as if I had some

The Gate

Oh my.. another gate?! I thought I would go to the stars now! I don't want to be here anymore. Take me away!
The secret is not in the stars my dear. First you need to dive within yourself.
But what is there inside of me? I already know and I don't want to go!!
There you will find the universe.
I don't have such beautiful things inside of me.. mainly a whole universe!
Dive. I will be waiting for you there.
Nooo!!! You won't! Nobody waits for anybody!!!
I didn't tell you that it would be easy. You have to go.
Will I die?

Sure you will. To re-birth you need to die first.

The Invisible Battle

"You see, God and the Devil are just alike.

They are both

walking up and down the earth -- they are both seeking you.

God wants you to glorify Him, and, of course,

the Devil wants you to glorify him.

They are both looking at you,

and if God doesn't get you,

THE DEVIL WILLLL..."

.

(Ozzy - 6/9/2005)
.
.

Rho Ophiuchi

"Rho Oph is a complex made up of a large main cloud

of molecular hydrogen,

a key molecule allowing new stars to form from cold cosmic gas,

with two long streamers trailing off in different directions.

Recent studies using the latest X-ray and infrared observations

reveal more than 300 young stellar objects

within the large central cloud.

Their median age is only 300,000 years,

very young compared to some of the universe's oldest stars,

which are more than 12 billion years old. "

note: read more clicking on the tittle of this post

It's Carnival In Brazil!!!

The most incredible party of this planet!!!!

You should come and check it by yourself!!!

I couldnt write before but Carnival started on Saturday, February 2th! I talked about Carnival some time back and I'm gonna paste the link cause there's a whole history about Brazilian Carnival there.

http://www.madmaktub.com/2005/01/thats-carnaval.html

But THIS is the spirit. Brazilians say that the year just begins to after Carnival, mainly in Rio de Janeiro and Bahia!!! lool

But Carnival is not just some days off. Carnival is time for business too. A School of Samba prepares its parade the whole year and this is an incredible work who brings a lot of tourists for our country!

You dont need to be a beauty

but need to have just ONE and important thing:

JOY!!!

Joy to be there

Joy to be yourself

Joy to be other self just for some days

Joy to wash your sorrows and pain away

Joy to be alive...

even for some days!

The Divas of Brazilian Carnival 2008!!!

Always a bit polemic the Schools of Samba brings sometimes

some of our problems like we dont have freedom to express ourselves (at the fist pic), corruption, world problems etc..

But the top of this party is always the work of a zillions people behind the scenes, the bright, the light , the people and sure, all those beauties. How I hate them! lool!!! They are incredible beautiful and happy! God bless you girls!

And God Bless Brazilians! We are survivers! And the smile we keep on our faces represents our way to live! Cheers!!!

And the party is still ON!!!

note: photos from O Globo Online (the biggest Brazilian newspaper)- all rights reserved.

and the percussinists are always training.... Mocidade Alegre

and training all over the year.. now Portela!

New Year

The year started as any other day. In a distant land she looked to the sky. There was nothing different. Looking around she couldnt find anything to make her feel something. But she was not sad. She was grateful to God to come to her heart again. It was not too bad walking alone cause she was not alone anyway.

She remembered that one day she was in the dark - in the darkness of her soul. She was taking shower and her tears and the water was the same thing. "Please help me" - she asks. At the same day someone came and started to talk abt good and evil. And the person described someone who wanted to jump from a high place to the darkness. She recognized herself in those words and she knew that was God talking to her through that person. Suddenly she felt that the pain in her back was gone. She could breath as before. Finally she started to believe again.

Where are you now? Once you told me that you would never leave me. Or maybe it was just my thoughts. Im knocking at your door but you dont respond. Save me please. Open the gate again for me. I can see the lights but I cant feel them. Im stuck at your door.

Let me get in.

Somewhere....

Walking alone in a small and desert city and buying some beers. Everything around was in silence. I could hear the noise of my steps. If it was in my own city I wouldnt be on the street - mainly alone. I dont like to drink alone but I need to relax today.

Inside a feeling of beeing out of reality. Everybody is gone. Just two of us are here at the same hotel. Tomorrow will be only me.

I miss my family, my kids. But I cant come back. Not now. After all those changes that are still on I dont know what I am. They wouldnt be proud of me now.

When we are weak nobody loves you, nobody wants you, nobody needs you. When you are weak you are easier to let others use you. I've learned with time that just the ones who are with you in those difficult times will be the ones who will be with you forever (a despite of knowing that nothing is forever anyway). Till now I didnt find anyone like that. Not in my real life... well.. maybe my ex-husband. He does what he can. I guess he has his own life now..a family.. I dont know. He never talk abt this with me.

But what I am talking about is a real friend. That one who feels what you are feeling without you say any word. Anyways, I use to isolate myself when Im not fine.

Is common when we feel like that we start thinking abt past and all those possibilities that never happened.. or never will. Im just trying to keep me sane. But I cant avoid to think that I have some of old ghosts of my childhood now. They say that life is repetitive..thats it. The true is: Im feeling lost. I cant get even to look into others eyes. Im afraid that they find out that Im lost. What is this now? Is it not enough all these years? Since 2005 I cant control my life. Or maybe just now Im minding it.

Im starting to feel sleepy now. But Im not calm down. I need to go to somewhere.. I just dont know where exactly. Im alone. I dont see anything interesting in people anymore even feeling sometimes that they are humans like me. All my life just to check that life is only this.

...and without saying a word he left. For him it was nothing. For her.. well, it will be too.

Merry X-mas! :)

Ex.............

Most of people I know have problems with ex-bf/gf/husbands/wives.. well.. I'm lucky then. I've already married 4 times and my second ex-husband is the most special person I've never ever known. I dont remember when our relation started to break up but I remember that everytime I needed he was there even giving me advices that I would prefer didnt hear sometimes.

We used to work a lot.. day n night. When he was at home I was ready to get out and vice-versa. Once I thought that the love was gone... so I decided to go away. I couldnt live with someone without love. If I'd have waited a bit more all those doubts would fade away.

He is honest and his word is more than a zillion dollars.. in a world like that where will I find someone like him? I can't say anything now...at least not for him. Now he has an important travel agency and I am nothing. I remember when we started together..working hard. I was so happy even at the end of a hard day cause we had each other. He is the best partner someone can have... but is done. Nothing will change the past now.

Once in a while I find someone who I think is so good..in fact, a so rare thing to happen. But soon I notice that I am wrong. People use people..it will never change. The best I can do is just think about my work. Working hard again.. I know something good will happen.

Barbecue

beautiful n calm day... is there anything better than do what you really want? anyways.. you need to be ready to pay the price. nothing is gonna change the human nature.

My best friend

After losing everything just you is still by my side even so far. Keeping the dream that someday there wont be any differences between us is something that makes me feel alive. And when everything is going wrong I can close my eyes and dream again. We dont belong to this place and we know that. But someday we will be together forever.

sometimes u can't change anything.

~

She doesnt have much time now. Running against the time she doesnt have even time to think but all thoughts are passing through her mind with her whole life in a wink.. some flashes that she cant avoid... she is back to a certain part of life where most of times she was lost..she doesnt care.. a despite of feeling that she needs to find something......... like a music she flows.. everything is so useless... or so useful that she cant get the point...faling..flying..up and down.... losing her sense.. she needs just a reason to start again.

what the hell?!

Far From Home...- and from myself -

Reading what I wrote here today and looking to my blog..oh god..how much I miss me. I dont now who I am anymore. Body and soul are two different things. Maybe Im afraid to feel something and notice how much Im alone.

Help me God.

Far From Home.. - an offline message to Shashi -

Goodbye: i thought u have forgotten me.. i was just opening gmail and you dont send me messages from ages
GoodBye: im far from home with different people..really different among themselves
GoodBye: people that i would never talk in a normal situation
GoodBye: i like to talk but living together is completelly different
GoodBye: how much i miss u and our talks
GoodBye: when i could hear the monkeys and dream that i was just a kid
GoodBye: i will never grow up..i will ever hide this kid inside of me
GoodBye: but all this is a learning
GoodBye: a dificult learning to a proud person as me
GoodBye: im learning that i like to be right all the time, that im too proud
GoodBye: and that i needed to see that a long time ago..i didnt notice how bad i am and how much i need to learn
GoodBye: im so tired of myself
GoodBye: i will never forget you