Wow! Im a mess of feelings latelly. Even feeling down I feel I still have an insistent and little hope inside of me! I resist cause this hope doesnt match with my disbelief in humans or in something in this life. Have a hope is like say something and do another thing. I never ask to myself a lot of consistency but I dont know why now I need to feel too much sense in anything. Im losing energy with this small things, turning a drop of water into a big storm. I dont know how to fix it and sometimes I ask to myself if it is worth to change... maybe all I need to do is just accept. But this word "accept" makes me feel strange.

Slowly, but realy slowly indeed my life is changing. Just a bit. I still dont have control of anything, I feel tired, I cry too much, Im too emotional, I still have images of my own death and maybe the gym will help. I started it last week. First they took some pics and next month they will do the same to compare. I like to work in those gym equipments. Feel each muscle being worked and dont think about nothing. The trainers are cool and attentive. I dont need much attention cause I used to do gymnastics for so long some years back and play beachvolley (well.. now Im sure I would be a desaster but I was not that bad before). I see the care that they have with my daughter: it is her first time and she is just 12.

Im a bit sleepy now. I woke up too early and I didnt stop doing things till now. I took a coffee in a café today just trying to wake me up. I like so much that coffee-and-cake smell and the decoration as well.