No one will fulfill your dreams.
No one will love you as you need to be.
No one will be there when you most need.
But one thing you can be sure:
you will always have yourself.

Poem in a Straight Line - Fernando Pessoa

I never knew who had never been screwed up in life.

Everyone I know have been champions in everything.

And I so often paltry, often pork, often vile,
I often unanswerable parasite,
Unexcusable dirty,
I, who often have no patience even to take a bath
I, who so often have been ridiculous, absurd,
I wrapped the feet of carpet in publicly labels,
I have been grotesque, petty, arrogant and submissive,
I have suffered and insults quiet
And when I do not have been quiet, I have been even more ridiculous;
I, who have been hilarious for the servants of hotel,
I, I felt the eyes of guys blink of freight,
I, who have made financial shame, borrowed without pay,
I, that when the time's punch came, I have been crouching down
Out the possibility of the punch;
I, who have suffered the anguish of the silly little things,
I see that I dont have a pair in it all in this world.

All the people I know and talk to me
Never had a ridiculous act, never suffered insults,
They were always nothing but a prince - all princes - in life ...

I wish to hear the voice of someone
Who confess not a sin, but a scandal;
That counts, not the violence, but a cowardly!
They are all the Ideal, that I hear and speak.
Who in this wide world must confess that once was vile?
Oh princes, my brothers,

Go, I'm sick of demigod!
Where are people in this world?

So only I am who is vile and wrong in this land?

Women may not have been loved them,
May have been betrayed - but not ridiculous!
And I, I have been ridiculous and haven't been betrayed,
How can I talk to my superiors without waver?
I, that have been vile, vile literally,
Vil in the sense of dread and petty meanness.

Fernando Pessoa (under the pseudonym of Alvaro de Campos)

Merry Christmas

~ These things I warmly wish for you ~
~ someone to love and be loved ~
~a good work to do ~
~ a beautiful sun always shining over you ~
~ a lot of cheer ~
~ and a guardian angel always near ~

"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials" Seneca, Lucius

"Baby slow down
The end is not as fun as the start
Please stay a child somewhere in your hear."

A New Year is coming soon

At this moment (20:54) the new X-mas tree is being presented on Lagoa Rodrigo de Freitas. I can hear the fireworks from here. Every year a big one is made. I like the sound of the fireworks.

At the end of each year fireworks are seen throughout the city. At the downtown, often they throw pieces of paper through the windows that carried by the wind flood the streets (poor of who will clean it all ..). But it is party, I mean, today the party have officially began. It is time for hope in years to come.

I look through the window. Hundreds of windows - which hide the fate of each one - shine in front of my eyes. They are so close and so distant. I close one eye and I can touch each one of those windows. But I cannot touch their lives that there is within them. Just as I have a body but cannot reach my own soul.

I do not understand my own life. And if there was another life before that, I have handled many, despise them and not loved as it should. Because that is how the world was always to me.

What saved me always was my dreams. I have always believed in better days and lived always with a smile printed on the face. But all the hope, the optimism, my love for the next one, were not enough because the stones were always in the crucial moments of my life making me start over again.

Looking some photographs of my childhood, I think that child didnt even imagine all that was yet to come.

Even nowadays I catch myself dreaming. Looking at a star or at the blue sky while working. The soul wants to fly but the body does not allow - or will it be a fate? I thought my destiny was in my hands, but this really is not possible to everyone.

What I did with all those stones? My dream is vast and the stones are not yet sufficient to build my castle. I have suffered from less? Or perhaps I relied too much on my own power to change things?

A new year will start soon in the near future. And once again my dreams will be renewed . Without them I can build nothing. Without them I am nobody.

The story didnt end yet.

The Next Step

This is the version presented at the end

of the Theoretical Part of Hair Design classes today.. wonderful!

There are some words written in Portuguese in this video:

Expectativa = Expectation

Aprendizado = Learning

Confiança = Trust

Criatividade = Creativity

Determinação = Determination

Persistência = Persistence

Liderança = Leadership

Trabalho em Equipe = Teamwork

Autonomia = Autonomy

Disciplina = Discipline

Motivação = Motivation

Harmonia = Harmony

Superação = Overshoot

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Now..

the next step...

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thanks God..

i'm still alive.

It was getting cold and the firsts drops of rain started touching her face. Slowly she looked to the sky.. shadows of gray were passing so fast...the wind came to meet her thoughts - she winked in a slow motion.

Her ex-husband was so different that day. He didnt say goodbye but she felt like something was making her fade. She didnt know yet what she would plan later. She has been always a stone in someone's shoes.. then now she would be a relief. It was not self compassion.. it was just the only way to take.

She felt a relief as well. Like.. she was leaving her stones back.. getting lighter to fly.

I didnt find any answer.
I dont know nothing.
Im not the f*cking choosen! And I will never be.
Maybe this is the only answer I'll ever have....

Happy Birthday!

The only one who was waiting for her was her little son. "My God how much I love him" - she thought. His hug could take her to a better world. The only hug she received at home.

She had gone to her classes at noon and she accidentally told to just one woman that was her birthday. "Shh.. dont tell to anyone, please.." And the woman gave her a silent and warm hug.

Since early morning she started to receive wishes for her birthday from his net friends. She couldnt count all the wishes. It had a lot of them! She read each one with a big smile printed on her face (but she couldnt reply to everyone cause suddenly the server was too busy). It seemed a big virtual party!!! Like a big city full of lights and happy people...

She was happy .. in a silent way. And the feeling was so good. The day had been so colorful even being a silent one. The rain has stopped. It was not so cold anymore.

Small World

This is a small world after all....

Ghosts

A Brahms song hit her on her heart. Those ghosts were so real that the pain in her heart now was real too. She would quit them from inside.. the only way to find that joy again... completelly.

Violence!

Violence against me doesnt mean just beat me. Everytime you treat me as a whore, everytime you betray me a despite of my sincerity, everytime you leave our kids to live your adventures with another women, you hurt me. Stop to kill me a bit every single day.

Every minute feeling as if she was worse, for the first time in her life, she wants too much an anesthesia.

The Trouble with Love is....

*
Love can be a many splendored thing

Can't deny the joy it brings

A dozen roses,

diamond rings

Dreams for sale

and fairy tales

*

It'll make you hear a symphony

And you just want the world to see

But like a drug that makes you blind,

It'll fool ya every time

*

The trouble with love is

It can tear you up inside

Make your heart believe a lie

It's stronger than your pride

The trouble with love is

It doesn't care how fast you fall

And you can't refuse the call

See, you got no say at all

*

Now I was once a fool, it's true

I played the game by all the rules

But now my world's a deeper blue

I'm sadder, but I'm wiser too

I swore I'd never love again

I swore my heart would never mend

Said love wasn't worth the pain

But then I hear it call my name

*

The trouble with love is

It can tear you up inside

Make your heart believe a lie

It's stronger than your pride

The trouble with love is

It doesn't care how fast you fall

And you can't refuse the call

See, you got no say at all

*

Every time I turn around

I think I've got it all figured out

My heart keeps callin' and I keep on fallin'

Over and over again

This sad story always ends the same

Me standin' in the pourin' rain

It seems no matter what I do

It tears my heart in two

*

(The trouble with love is) The trouble with love,

(It can tear you up inside) It can tear you up inside

(Make your heart believe a lie) Make your heart believe a lie

It's stronger than your pride(The trouble with love is)

It's in your heartIt's in your soul (doesn't care how fast you fall)

You won't get no control(and you can't refuse the call)

See, you got no say at all(The trouble with love is)

Oh, yeah(It can tear you up inside)

(Make your heart believe a lie).

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I'm The One

I'm the one that hurts you

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I'm the one who cares

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I'm the one looking down at you

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I'm the one who's there

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What do you think I've become?

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What do you think I've been gone?

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I'm the one looking down on you

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Where do you go when no one's there

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When no one's there

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When no one's there

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When no one's there

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Get this widget Track details eSnips Social DNA

Desde aquele domingo ela ainda ouvia nitidamente as risadas dele dizendo ao telefone que estava com a namorada. Ela nunca pensara em um fundo musical para sua última cerimônia (queria ser cremada), mas com certeza aquele não seria o som que ela gostaria de ouvir nos seus últimos dias.

Ela havia chorado e parado, como uma reação catatônica ao fato de finalmente ver a verdade. Ele fez de tudo para que ela acreditasse nele, mas na realidade ele estava apenas se divertindo. Coisa antiga, não? Mas muito comum.

Quando ela ligara, alguém atendera ao telefone sem dizer nada e então ela pode ouvir as vozes, mulheres e a voz dele, os risos dele. Óbvio que alguém fizera aquilo para que ela ouvisse. "RI-DÍ-CU-LO! Quanta criatividade! Só podia ser coisa de mulher mesmo. "

Ela ligou novamente. Atitudes como essa jamais a intimidaram mesmo... Ela queria ouvir a verdade .. e ouviu! Da maneira mais ridícula deste mundo.. mas ouviu! Finalmente! "Pensei que você fosse especial, mas não... você é igual à qualquer outro... fácil de encontrar. Mas não se preocupe: você é nor-mal! :)))" disse ela parecendo feliz ao telefone.

E o que parecia ser o futuro homem de sua vida se transformou em um sapo que jamais se tornaria um príncipe: nem fudendo! "Ah.. ele era apenas um jogador.." Ela jamais gostara de pessoas óbvias, mas jogadores, depois do primeiro lance - como a maioria das pessoas, sempre o são.

De qualquer forma, essa foi sua última chance. O tempo se esgotara. Agora precisava se preparar para a retirada dos tumores - via retal ^^ ("Parece piada da vida...." )

*---*

From that Sunday she still was hearing clearly his laughs on the phone saying that he was with his girlfriend. She never thought about a music as a background for her last ceremony (She wanted to be cremated), but certainly "that" would not be the sound that she would like to hear in his final days.

She had stopped and mourned as a catatonic reaction to the fact that finally she sees the truth. He did everything to make her believed on him, but in reality it was only for his fun. Old thing, aint it? But very common.

When she called, someone hang up the phone without saying anything and then she could hear the voices, women and his voice and laughts. Obvious that someone did it to make her hear it. "RI-DI-CU-LOUS! What a stupid creativity! Only women could do something like this!"

She called again. Attitudes like this had never intimidating her anyway... She wanted to hear the truth .. and she did! In the most ridiculous way of this world!! But she did!! Finally!!!! "All I wanted all this time was the truth. Life is made with little boxes and yours was a mess. Now I can close it. I thought you were special, but ... you are not. You are the same as any other one.. easy to find anywhere.... But do not worry: you are nor-mal! :)))" She said it looking happy at the phone as she was kiddin.

And what seemed to be the future man of her life has turned into a frog that would never become a prince: neither fucking! Ugh! "Ah .. he was a player .." She never liked obvious people and players, after the first bid - like most of people, are always obvious.

Otherwise, this was her last chance. The time was over. Now she needed to be prepared for the withdrawal of tumors - via rectal ^ ^ ( "It seems a joke of life .... !")

*---*

Jo Guttu
April 22, 2008 at 2:19pm

hi love

I`m so happy to get this done, and I really hope that you now understand that I am serious and not a bullshitter.So happy to know you,and I am planning my summerwork and the next months coming.my plans for a pub were I live,I wont do anything more about....the husband of my sis Gry has taken full controll over the pub project, and it`s not interesting for me to work for him...I have worked for myself for more than 20 years, and I want to continue like that:)in the next few hours I will know what wekends I will hav to work, what gigs I have lined up and when I can take a trip over to you:)I sorted out in the bank today with a fixed withdrawel from my account for a thousand reals every 22 of the month:)get ur taxes paid, and maybe ur exhusband will help out with ur bills love:)It sem I will have prox 4000 reals into my account every month just for rent and to get furniture and so on .this is lined up for november allready:)it will be an extra nice income to have, and it wont be such a preassure to make a lot of money.....maybe...:)a couple of my arrangements in summer will probably pay for whatever is needed to start up whatever...You are a dream come true for me, and i really really hope u will like me when we meet....soon:)will mail u later on with the progress in workshedule and so on.Hav a nice day love and have a glass of wine for and with me as well:)big hug and kisses. Yours Jo

And she believed on him...

Pela manhã levantou-se com o amargo sabor da derrota e de nada adiantou todo o asseio naquela manhã: sua alma estava impregnada com aquelas gargalhadas... ele rira dela. "É tão estranho amar alguém que nos humlha." Ao menos pode perceber o quanto havia se enganado. O que parecia perfeito era na realidade uma farsa. Mas o mundo não é a maior delas?

Tudo um dia estará acabado, pois esta é a ordem natural das coisas, e o que sobrará de tanta filosofia, tanta soberba, tanta mediocridade, tantos valores (errados ou não)? NADA! ABSOLUTAMENTE NADA!

"Oh Meu Deus! E Você me mandou aqui prá isso?!" (se Deus existir...)

*

translation

*

In the morning she woke up with the bitter taste of defeat and nothing has changed throughout all the cleanliness in that morning: his soul was imbued with those laughs ... he laughed of her. "It's so strange when we love someone who depises us." At least we can understand how big had been our mistake. What seemed perfect was in fact a farce. But is the world not the biggest of them? Everything will be finished one day, it's the natural order of things, and what will rest of so much philosophy, so superb, so much mediocrity, so many values (erroneous or not)? NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

"Oh my God! And did You send me here for this?!" (if God exists...)

Walking down the street the effect of that delicious meal was fading. She looks around and God!... (if IT exists!) what the hell is this place? Even her favorite french perfume or the idea of buying some new shoes or clothes it was not sounding attractive today. "Well.. Im having serious problems..." A dormancy was not just in her body but in the way she was perceiving everything around her. The futility of things and the repetition of the events in the history and at the life of any person were something that turns life completely uninteresting.

She came back home, looked at herself in the mirror, made a grimace and went to the hairdressing to cut her hair.. just a bit.