Once again

in a Monday, January 17, 2005 i wrote this:

im burning..it hurts..at the end ill be just ashes..and ill need to reborn again...

but we need to be survivers..life is very short to care abt people that cannot accept each other how they are.. if u have a friend in case dont u accept him/her how he/she is? yes..u need to accept them..if u are really a friend.. friends dont look for u just when u are happy..they walk besides u even when u are falling down.. i hav friends..some of them were people that nobody care before..i gave them my care..my light..my friendship..and they could keep a better way to live.. if a person that u call friend doenst care abt u when u are in your bad days..he/she cant be called as friend anymore..itll be better let he/she go away.. many people ask me how can i have so different friends...simple..i love people..i love this life..ill be always besides a friend when he/she needs me.. think abt how your friends are with u..think abt how u are with your friends.. and remember..we are nothing to judge anyone..

http://madmaktub.blogspot.com/2005/01/burning.html

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Its strange how we can say the same thing but wih different ending. Im not strong as I used to be. I was born many times but now I think that I have to define what is death, ashes, reborn for me. Life is totally different that I dreamt and I didnt have enough - a portuguese poet already said it in Passing Hours. Where am I going, I dont know. But if I dont like I know how to finish a possible nightmare. BTW.. I feel that Im not living my own life. There are many things too much wrong to be my life...things that I cannot change. For awhile, look at Fênix makes me feel good.

Happy Umbrella

Everything was so black and white and gray and I was desperate. Since yesterday I was completelly lost. And once more my ex-husband is coming to help me. I couldnt believe when his secretary said that he was in our country again. Exactly at the day I was more in despair. He is my guardian angel in this life. How can I explain knowing him for 22 years, after being married just for 5, he is still in my life and Im still - in some way - in his life. Thank you for let me be under your umbrella once more. Talk to you is like see the sun after a big storm. My heart is in peace now.

He couldnt talk to me all day long. He called me at night - as he said he would. My daughter hanged on the phone and he asked: "Do you know who is talking?" and she said: "Do you want to talk with my mom?" She recognized his voice and she saw him a long time ago.

He will travel again but will leave some things arranged to me. Even after all this time he still knows what moves me. It is not the first time he helps me. I look around and I dont see anyone, just my kids, the only treasure I have in my life.

My ex-husband it is not just a man, he is part of me and my life. And the most important: he showed a bit of his trust on me. Hear his laugh and his advices is a relief to my heart after all these years. How come he is the only one who knows me completelly in this whole world?

Thanks God, I asked and You gave me the answer again.

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Early Morning in Leblon & Ipanema

Last Night in Ipanema

Last night (20may) I was coming back from the dentist (again!). The last thing that he has done didnt work and suprise! .. he said that he would give me an anesthetic to make some things to prepair to another work! Coming back home I was feeling weird... like I was not breathing well. So, I saw some red sky when I looked to the beach and I decide to walk a bit there...it was a pleasant night :)

First I was looking to those stones named Two Brothers (Dois Irmãos). And just when I was walking by the beach I looked back and... the moon was almost orange! I dont like feel cold for so long and these days are a bit cold for me here. But last night the scene was like a summer night.

There are some schools of sport at the beach like footbal and beachvolley too. It is easy to play cause there is a lot of light. People running, taking a walk with their pets, biking, or simply looking around.

Some men were cleaning the beach being watched by the moon... silent, distant and misterious and yet beautiful. Colors give me a good feeling and seing that moon it was a good surprise.

So I had to go back home.. I was feeling better, breathing normaly and feeling calm. But the left side of my face were still so numb!

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